When I Awakened to my Trauma Bond.

It took FOUR years before I recognized that the intense push/pull dynamics between a former partner and myself could, in fact, be a trauma bond.

From my experience, trauma bonds sounded like this:

“I can’t touch him without being turned on. He doesn’t even have to try.”

“I can’t describe it. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever loved.”

“He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. It’s like everything I find physically attractive was put into one person.”

“He’s got a past, but I’m good for him. He’s changed for me.”

I’m not going to go into narcissist/empath abuse patterns, or include labels here. I only care to describe the feelings that supported the connection I had with a former partner.

Notice, there’s literally no substance there. No loving, fill-your-love-tank actions on anyone’s part. No “I feel like I can fully express myself and he completely accepts me for all that I am, and he encourages me to chase after my dreams…” Nothing. Just unexplainable, intense chemistry.

What resulted from that bond was my abandonment of self. Arguing about my needs, and constantly watching them be cast aside. Fighting to be seen, accepted, loved. It resulted in asking for 3 compliments on each birthday, because I was craving security, love, and real intimacy- and he frankly thought compliments were a vain request on my part.

Look, there’s so much more to the story- and I very much played into the dynamic, too. I’m not saying that I didn’t perpetuate it as well.

Let’s take it back now, so we can see where it all started.

I was 13. I hadn’t heard from my dad in well over 6 months. I would cry at night, thinking some horrible thing had happened to him and because he lived in a motel at the time, I was afraid no one would be notified if he were to die.

I confronted my dad about the lapse in time, and I asked if he had been on drugs- you know, any way I could make sense of why he hadn’t called me for so long. His response, “How do you know? Who’s saying that, your mom? Have you seen me doing them?” Thanks, Dad, for the solid dose of gaslighting straight out of 7th grade.

Fast forward to my new life. I’m living in the basement at my mother’s house. I’m often sharing a bed with my daughters, and I’m working at a local gym, making $11/hour, wondering how in the heck I’m going to pull myself out of this life.

I’m driving home one night from the gym, and I get a call from my ex. He was an alcoholic, and I’d left him earlier that year because I gave him the choice to get better, or break up. He wanted to chat with me about potentially getting back together, to which I replied, “You still drink. It can never work. You made your choice.”

I can’t make this up. He replied, “How do you know? Who’s saying that? Have you seen me drink?”

I remember where I was when I was 13 and on the phone with my dad, trying to be super courageous and confront him about my deepest fear. And I remember exactly where I was when I heard my ex repeat my dad’s words.

That was the night everything made sense.

We repeat what we need to heal, until it’s healed. Thankfully, I recognized the beautiful signs, and I finally surrendered to the fact that I had to do life differently if I’d ever change the trajectory for my daughters. I talk more about the significance of becoming a transitional character for generational trauma over on Instagram. Come join me @attracted.to.healthy